Journal


Hem... my cockatiel, Zoey, is dying...

In December she had gone to the vet, and she had some problems with her kidneys, cancer, actually, which was basically going to take her life, but she was doing semidecent, and that was, apparently, the worst thing wrong with her, and also that she was laying so many eggs, but then a couple months ago I noticed these lumps under her wings, but, they were on the exact same spot on both wings... which I thought was odd, but then thought that maybe she had always had them, since they were symmetrical, and I just didn't notice them before. However, then the lumps started growing on her wings, and the surgery to remove them would have been about $1,500, and since I already had a scheduled surgery, (the one I just had last week) I couldn't afford getting hers as well right now, but then today... Zoey wouldn't eat... and she wouldn't really move, and when she did, she would cry- and so we took her to the vet just an hour ago, and, those tumors on her wings were cancerous, and it's spread throughout her entire body.. She is on some pain medicine so she doesn't hurt as bad, but, I just know her pain will get worse and she'll have to be put to sleep... Hem, and Orli absolutely adores Zoey, and he is already getting depressed that she's sick, even earlier, when she was taken out (without him) he was just crying "COME BACK!" over and over and got so panicky thinking he would lose Zoey- and she is inevitably going to die, within a month... and Orli is young, so basically, he's going to live the next thirty years, the rest of his life, totally depressed because of her death...and hem... I just really want to die so badly, rather, get away from everything that hurts. I nearly attempted suicide again last night, and... I've started cutting, again... I just keep feeling worse, even when good things happen, something takes away what happiness I had felt- and I miss him really badly... I constantly think about him, and wish that I had been better for him...